two years and four months ago

Occasionally, I get this sinking suspicion that I am trying to reinvent myself. I suppose much of this stems from the intermittent realization that I am, in many ways, quite different from who I used to be, though it requires an objective viewpoint - taking a step outside of myself - to see the differences clearly. An introspective survey of my last few years can be helpful.

Today I had my final advising appointment of my undergraduate career. That fact hit me like a ton of bricks as I sat in the waiting room of Student Services on the first floor of Aderhold. I remembered looking anxiously across the room at my dad who sat in that very chair at the end of orientation, flipping through course catalogs and C.O.E. promotional materials. I had impulsively decided to change my major to early childhood education, and after that ever-supportive father of mine bullied his way into getting me an individual appointment with an adviser, I had only to wait. That was exactly two years and four months ago.

When autumn came, I changed my major to speech therapy on a whim at best. I only allowed about one week to elapse between the time I first considered the option and filling out the forms in my adviser's office once again. I had absolutely no business making important decisions at that point in my life; I did not consult God and the thought of praying about it did not even cross my mind. After all, it was MY life, and I was free to make my own decisions (and mistakes).

So freshman year, I made the transition from an intended to an actual CMSD major, and like most of the girls, planned to work in an elementary school - the perfect occupation for a wife and mother. I totally deserved to have to start over with a new major - to have all the fruit of my academic toil rot in my hands as I held onto it so tightly, but my God is a compassionate One, and I truly believe that during that year when I closed my ears to the voice of the Holy Spirit, He was whispering into my heart the entire time.

Take all that you have
and turn it into something you were missing
Somebody threw that brick
And shattered all your plans
Yeah.
-Brand New, Sowing Season (Yeah)

Although my academic endeavors were allowed to remain intact, He desperately wanted my attention - my acknowledgment and love - He wanted me. So he caught my attention last November in what I've come to realize was really the only way he could have done so. My word, it was painful - and not just for me. Through the process of healing, He's redirected my career path, albeit just slightly, and given me the most precious of gifts: vision. He's reawakened the wild and free and adventurous parts of my spirit - parts that had fallen victim to the American Dream. These days, the girl I see in the mirror is forever ruined for that life she once so desperately wanted.

I will probably never be a soccer-mom-SLP that works in an elementary school. Instead, I have this picture of myself doing international mission work in some of the scariest places on earth... most recently I've become intrigued with the middle east. I'm reading Three Cups of Tea, and I've determined that, if ever I marry, it will be to the Greg Mortenson of my generation (the truly beautiful thing is, even if I don't, that's totally okay because I can't shake the feeling that I'm well on my way to becoming the female version of him one day). Sometimes I just burst into fits of joyous laughter when I think about the Good I get to be a part of in my life. I'm not reinventing myself, I'm allowing the Lord to show me who I am.