eighth grade

I paint a picture, I think it's easier to live that way
But my heart is really broken
I'm not the man you think I am when you see me
each day Torn apart and then left open
Father come and fill me up
I can't wait for you to overflow my cup
My heart makes me wonder how much longer
'Til you're coming back to take me away
My heart longs for you to fly right through the sky
And take me to the place where I
Will never feel my heart break down again
I search the sky and then I try imagining you there
Looking on anticipating
You're standing by and knowing I will join you in
the air Until then I'll be here waiting.
-My Heart, by Third Day

This was my favorite song when I was thirteen. The words captured the feelings of my young heart better than any song had previously done. Interestingly, although two life chapters (high school and college) have come and almost gone, this song still resonates deeply within me. So much has happened in the last seven years - dreams have been fulfilled and destroyed, plans have changed, hopes once crushed have been renewed, old friendships have been strengthened, and new ones have blossomed, while others have faded away. In many ways, I am a different person altogether.

Yet, I can still relate quite easily to that girl just finishing up eighth grade. I am excited about the summer just like she was. That summer contained her first trip to Europe. This one, my first independent move to another state. Like her, I am both excited and nervous about a new school and all its trappings on the horizon: North Hall High School then, Appalachian State University's Graduate School now.

I wonder what she thought the days approaching her college graduation would be like. She probably didn't think very long or hard about something so far off in the distant future, at least not realistically, what with high school on the horizon. When and if she did, I'm sure she assumed that she would, naturally, be planning a wedding at this point. After all, that's what happened in college: if you weren't lucky enough to have previously acquired a high school sweetheart, then you certainly met your soul mate at University...

Well, like I said, plans change, but I didn't intend for this post to be some sort of lament. She probably had never heard of speech-language pathology, and she definitely didn't imagine herself sitting in her room typing a blog about the potential thoughts of her younger self.

Rudy: Maybe God allows you to go through suffering so you can help others when they go through the same suffering.

Susan: I've got an idea. How about if none of us have to go through it, so I don't have to go through it first to show them the way?

Rudy: Then you'd be childish and shallow, don't you think? Suffering seems to be the best teacher. And be honest with yourself: you've changed. You're not the same person you were when you first came here.

-from Angry Conversations with God by Susan E. Isaacs